Oh, wherefore art thou, adverbs?
My theory—though I cannot call it my own, original theory—is that within the next hundred years or so, all adverbs will cease to exist. I see them slowly disappearing throughout the various levels of education: the un-tenured freshman recalling that her O-Chem professor “talks too fast” (forgetting, for a moment, the equivocation of the verbs talk and speak); the corporate guru pitching his product as “built tough;” all the way up to the double-doctorate responding “I’m good, thanks” when confronted by the everyday salutation “how are you?” I may have made up that last one, but realistically I catch myself breaking the adverb rule of goodness v. wellness when asked so casually.
I cringe when I see the new magazine titled “Real Simple.” Don’t the editors know that in order to for that title to be grammatically correct there needs to be a comma between the two words? Else wise they need to write it “Really Simple.” My peers continuously confuse adjectives for adverbs, and look at me as though I’ve dressed myself in polka dots and plaid when I try to correct them. Then there is the group of pseudo-grammarians who over correct and use adverbs where adjectives are appropriate: “Wow, your dye job looks really well.” Last I checked, dye jobs didn’t have eyes, let alone the capability to see. These are the same people who employ the words “irregardless” and “supposably,” and caption pictures as “my brother and I.” There was a time when sophisticated elocution denoted both education and status, but the parlance of the average layman has plummeted to a level that likely would have embarrassed the middle-class prior to The First World War.
I blame the drone of the mass media, producing poorly thought-out mind-tranquilizers without regard for elevating the comprehension of the masses. But then, I generally hate the entertainment industry and am always quick to point out its culpability in the denigration of our society whenever possible. Meanwhile, if at some point you catch me twitching while listening to you, there’s a good chance you’ve forgotten two very important things: first and foremost, you’ve forgotten your third grade grammar lessons; and second, you’ve forgotten that you’re talking to a grammar snob.
